Evolution
by supermandy77
Summary: Kate has always favored the theory of evolution over the big bang...
1. Chapter 1: Whatever You Need

**This story picks up sometime after the end of Season 3. Each chapter will specifically deal with an "evolution" in the relationship between Beckett and Castle.  
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**Chapter 1: Whatever You Need**

She knows something is wrong. From the time they left the hospital, Castle and Josh have been sitting on either side of her taking their turns between glaring at each other and checking on her to make sure she isn't in too much pain. She wishes she could get one of them to tell her what's going on, but every time she's asked, they shrug it off and change the subject.

It hasn't escaped Kate's attention that her boyfriend and her partner don't get along. In the handful of times that they've met, there has been an animosity between them that she didn't think was warranted. But now? Now that animosity is amplified, and she's beyond happy that they've finally reached their destination, even if it means that everything could come crashing down around her any minute now.

The boys fight over who is going to carry her bags, and she's within a second of taking them from her hands before they finally decide to split the load. Considering she's the one who is injured and in need of care, neither one seems to be paying much attention to her. Their need to one-up the other is frustrating, more so because she has no idea why they're being so hostile to each other than because they're not worrying about her. She isn't naïve enough to believe that this lack of attention toward her and her condition is a trend that is going to continue, not when her boyfriend is a surgeon and her partner is an over-protective man-child who just spent almost a complete week at her side just to make sure she wasn't alone.

They go up the elevator and walk down the hall, and Kate takes note of the fact that Castle is leading the way and Josh is walking a couple steps behind her. Castle stops at the end of the hallway, expertly turning the key and entering his loft. Kate follows a short distance behind, but Josh takes hold of her wrist as she crosses the threshold, causing her to turn and see the pained expression that has taken hold of his face.

"How can you be so calm about this?"

She takes in his words, deciphering what exactly he means by his question. "Why wouldn't I be? I've stayed here before."

His eyes dart into the loft, checking for Castle's location, before he takes a deep breath and steps closer to her. "That was before. Things are…different now," he whispers, making sure her _shadow_ doesn't overhear.

She agrees, but doesn't share the revelation with him. She is once again reminded of how many pieces of her she _hasn't_ shared with Josh. He doesn't know anything about her mother's murder or how deep all this goes for her. To him, her being shot at Roy's funeral was a random act of violence, not a carefully orchestrated plot by the same people responsible for her mother's death as a means of getting Kate out of the way.

"One thing that hasn't changed, though, is that Castle is in a position to help me heal. I won't have to climb stairs and he can be around in case I need help."

Josh opens his mouth as if to retort, and she thinks he is about to argue that he could help, too. But the words die before they are spoken. He's frustrated with the whole situation, and she finds herself torn because she knows that she can't keep him around much longer without opening up to him about why everything is the way it is. And frankly, she doesn't know if she can do it. She doesn't know if she wants to. Sharing her deep, dark secrets was difficult enough the first time.

"I don't trust him," he finally says. They've finally found their way into the loft, where he sets her bags down next to the couch. His tone of voice has a defeated sound to it.

"You don't have to. I trust him—with my life, I might add." It's not enough to kill his concerns about the whole situation, but he seems to relax a little. "Do you trust me?" She tries not to flinch at her own question, because if he knew the thoughts running through her mind, he _wouldn't_ trust her. At least, not when it comes to this.

"What? Kate, I—" he sputters out, caught off guard by her question. "Why would you even think that I don't trust you?"

She looks away, not wanting to continue this direction with him right now. "Listen, just try to remember that the playboy writer act is just that…an act. This isn't a bachelor pad, Josh," she says, gesturing to the loft they're standing in the middle of. "He lives here with his teenage daughter and his mother, for God's sake. He leaves in the middle of cases to attend parent meetings at Alexis's school and have movie nights with her."

Josh starts to walk away from her, glancing over the loft and seeing the evidence of her words. "Kate, he…" His words are strained, and he looks like he's having trouble voicing his concerns.

Castle chooses that moment to enter from his office, brushing his hands off and breaking the tension in the room with only his smile. "Everything's ready for you, Beckett. I can take your bags in for you if you'd like."

Josh straightens, taking the bags himself walks toward Castle. "I got it, Castle," he says as he walks toward him. "You and I need to talk."

Kate takes a deep breath, having an idea what is about to happen in the next room. The detective in her is dying to know what they're talking about, and if she can't get them to tell her then she's just going to have to go about it another way. She finds a seat as close to the office as possible, hoping to find out why this animosity is raging between them.

"_I swear, Castle. If I hear a single word about you…"_

"_Thank you for the word of warning, Doctor. I just want her to get better. That's my one and only objective here. Nothing more, nothing less."_

Castle's words are heartfelt, and she's happy to notice the absence of any sarcasm in his voice.

"_Don't think for a minute that I'm going to bow out and just let you have her. You're not the only one who loves her."_

"_I know that."_ His voice is softer, and Kate instantly feels the tears forming in her eyes. _"And it's because of that knowledge that I'm doing this. I'll be whatever Kate needs me to be, and right now she needs her friend and partner. Anything more will be up to her."_

"_You really think I'm supposed to believe that you won't use this living arrangement to your advantage?"_

"_Frankly, I don't care what you think."_

"_You're a jackass, Castle."_

"_Coming from you, I'll take that as a compliment."_

Kate hears the door to the bedroom open, and she moves over to the couch in hopes that they won't realize she was listening to the whole conversation. She stands too quickly though, and has to hiss through the pain that shoots through her abdomen. It subsides as she settles onto the couch, and she takes a deep breath just as the two men re-enter the living room from the office.

The anger she heard in both their voices mere minutes ago is gone, and they are back to being amicable for her benefit. She doesn't know why, but it makes her feel guilty.

"I have to go," Josh says as he sits down on the couch next to her, "but don't hesitate to call if you need anything." His eyes dart toward Castle, who looks away almost immediately. Josh's eyes return to her and he tries to muster a smile for her benefit. "I'll see you in a couple days."

"Come anytime," Castle says, this time with every bit of sarcasm he owns. He waves and smiles, but drops the act the minute he hears the door shut. He looks at her briefly and then retreats into his bedroom. He's in there long enough for her to consider getting up to find out what the hell is going on. When he comes out, he plops down into the chair across from the couch, but doesn't talk or even look at her.

"Castle?" She chances talking to him, because she knows if she was in his position, she'd just want to be left alone.

"Yeah?" He doesn't look at her, instead continuing to stare at the ceiling.

"I just wanted to remind you that my hearing is still fine, maybe even exceptionally good. That and the door to both your bedroom and the office were still open."

He finally looks at her and cracks a small smile, one she's surprised she's so happy to see. "Really? Because I was sure it was because you were perched right outside the door the whole time—well, most of the time—trying to find out why we were having a pissing contest."

"Are you going to tell me or do I have to threaten you with bodily harm?"

"Threaten all you like. Just remember that I am the keeper of your pain medication. Any pain you might possibly inflict would be quick, but mine would last longer."

"Castle…"

"Do we have to do this now?"

His words send a jolt to her chest and she takes into account what he must have endured after she was shot. Truthfully, she's _not_ sure she wants to do 'this' now—whatever 'this' is. What she does know is that she's going to be living with him for at least the next month and that it's going to be hell if they don't get some things out in the open right away.

They haven't really talked of anything of consequence since her shooting. He spent a great deal of time at the hospital, but most of the time was spent playing board games on her bed or talking about books. She distinctly remembers the looks though, and the way they told each other without speaking that their relationship had changed in some way.

She's no longer in the hospital, though. And really, why not now? She has no problem admitting that more than anything, she wants to know why Castle and Josh looked like they wanted to kill each other. "I don't think we're doing ourselves any favors by putting it off any longer," she tells him matter-of-factly, making sure he sees the seriousness in her expression as well as her words.

He stands, stretching and running his hands over his face as he walks the few steps to the opposite end of the couch. He gently lifts her legs and sits down, resting her legs in his lap as he sits and turns his body enough to look at her directly.

"Okay," he starts. "First things first. I'm sorry."

"Excuse me?" His apology surprises her, and she's not sure why he would choose to start that way.

"That day, in your apartment. I said some things—"

"If that's where we're going, then I'm sorry, too. I didn't mean it, Castle. And to be fair, you were right about some things." She pauses, not sure she wants to admit the next part, but she presses forward in the name of honesty. "Most of it, actually."

Castle hangs his head, and for a moment she's surprised that he isn't gloating that he was right.

"Do I want to know what part I _wasn't_ right about?"

_Shit_, she thinks, and realizes where his mind has gone. "It's complicated, Castle."

"He thinks I'm trying to make a move on you."

"Are you?"

"Right now? No."

"Are you planning to in the foreseeable future?"

"That's up to you."

"Castle…" She doesn't use an admonishing tone, but one that warns him against the direction in which they're heading.

"I know you heard me tell him this, but I'll repeat it for your benefit. You're with Josh, and for as long as you're with him, I will make no forward advances. I'll be whatever you need me to be, Kate. Partner, friend, any, all, or none of the above."

His words warm her heart, and she sees a side of him she's pretty sure she's only seen one other time before now. And considering that her blood was pouring from her body the first time, this time gives her the chance to really take in what he's saying. "You'd do that for me?"

"Of course I would, Kate. I…"

"Please, don't," she cuts in, stopping him from voicing his admission. Her hands become preoccupied with the hem of the blanket, twisting and turning it as she struggles for the words that won't hurt his feelings. "I know. I remember."

"You do?"

"Yes. I'm just not ready to hear you say it again. At least, not right now." She can't look him in the eye, and she can tell that he's disappointed. "You still haven't told me why you were having a—what did you call it, a pissing contest—with my boyfriend."

"Nor do I intend to."

"Come on, Castle." He was frustrating her. Since when did Castle become so noble? "I know you want to tell me."

"Maybe," he told her softly, chancing a glance in her direction. "But your Jedi mind tricks don't work on me, Detective. You want to know why I'm so angry with him? Ask him yourself."

She doesn't respond, as much as she wants to, and the silence stretches on and brings a different kind of tension into the room. His last words were clipped and told her loud and clear that he was done discussing the matter.

"Rick?" she tries, her voice softer and more tentative than she thinks she's ever used toward him.

"Yeah?"

He can't look at her, but she figures that she'll take what she can get right now. She barrels forward, the words coming out like a jumble of thoughts. "I'm sorry. I just…there's a whole period of the last few weeks that I don't remember, or can't possible know about, and that's difficult for me. Knowing that you, well, just knowing is going to take some getting used to."

"Why are you apologizing for that?" His hands have started gently massaging her toes, even as his eyes stay fixed on her.

"You're being incredibly noble about this whole situation," she states simply, remembering her thought from earlier.

"If I'm going to win, Kate, I intend to win fair and square. If I cheat or take short cuts, then it cheapens the reward."

"Good point." Her words are soft, and she hopes that he caught the whisper of a smile on her face as she says them. She wants to torture him and force the reason for his attitude toward Josh out of him, but she knows now from his words and his actions that it wouldn't do any good. What she _does_ know is that whatever it is, Josh probably was the instigator. Castle's need to be noble about the whole situation probably means that telling her would implant a negative image of Josh in her eyes before she even got his side of the story.

She also figures out quickly that Castle _knows_ that she'll work the _why_ of his non-sharing out on her own. He's worked with her for three years and knows the types of clues she picks up on easily. This one isn't difficult to figure out. And when it comes back to him—which it will—he can easily deny saying anything to her about what happened. Whatever it is. Because she still has no idea what was said or done to cause them to be so nice to each other in front of her that it was painful to watch.

The silence is broken some time later when Castle shifts at the other end of the couch and she is jostled out of her thoughts. He mumbles a "sorry" and watches her closely for a minute, presumably measuring her level of discomfort.

"Castle, could you help me into the bedroom? I think I could use a nap."

He's up in an instant, offering her his hands for support. "Are you OK?"

Kate stands and tries to smile from the considerable, but tolerable, pain. "Getting up is more difficult than sitting down. And I've moved around more today than usual."

Castle follows closely behind her, only touching her arm when she sits on the bed and makes a face when the pain comes back. "Do you need a pain pill?"

"No, it's going away already."

He sits down on the edge of the bed, his face serious. "Are you sure? I'm not going to come back in here in 15 minutes to find you doubled over in pain because you couldn't admit to me how much it hurt?"

"No," she says simply, her hand reaching to the top of his knee as she shifts in an effort to get more comfortable. "It was just a short stab of pain. Tomorrow morning is when you get to deal with me being bitchy because I'm in pain."

"If you say so."

"I say so."

He smiles, squeezing her hand before letting go and walking toward the door. "Just yell if you need help getting up. I'll be in the office writing."

Kate mumbles in agreement, even as she feels her eyes getting heavier as a result of the additional stress on her body and mind over the last few hours. "Thank you, Castle," she whispers, only when she hears the door open to the bedroom.

"Whatever you need, Kate. Always," he responds, before shutting the door behind him and letting her sleep away the remainder of the afternoon.


	2. Chapter 2: Unattached

_Previously..._

_Kate moved in with Castle while she recovers from being shot. Josh isn't happy about it. Kate and Castle have a non-talk about their relationship._**  
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**Chapter 2: Unattached**

Josh sits down next to her on the couch and lays his hand on her knee. Kate doesn't brush it away, but she doesn't encourage him, either. His promise to come see her in a couple days has turned into a couple weeks, and she's more than a little perturbed with him. If he is serious about staying together with her, he certainly wouldn't have left her alone with Castle for two weeks without so much as a phone call. Two texts are all she has to show in defense of her relationship with Josh. Is that all she is worth to him? Two texts in a two-week period?

She wants so bad to give him a chance to explain himself, but he doesn't make it easy for her. Instead of being happy to see her—happy to see her moving around better and regaining some of the weight she lost after the shooting—he's instantly critical. He notices the coffee table that holds the remains of their morning Scrabble game and the copy of _Heat Wave_ on the end table.

He also notices the office door that's shut and the light that pours out from underneath it.

"He's still here?"

"Of course he is. He lives here." Her voice is lacking emotion, and she suddenly finds herself wondering how long he plans on staying. Maybe, if she's lucky, he'll get called back to the hospital for an emergency.

"Sure, but would it be too much to ask for him to give us some privacy for a while?" he implores as he shifts away from her only so he can turn toward her on the couch. "I haven't seen you in two weeks."

"That's not his fault," she mumbles, her voice so low she's not sure at first if he heard her.

"What was that?"

Knowing that he did hear her gives Kate more courage, so she prepares herself for what she knows is going to be one hell of a conversation. "I said it isn't his fault that you haven't been here in two weeks. We can't just ask him to drop everything and leave for an undetermined amount of time just so you don't feel like you're being watched or listened to the whole time."

He laughs and shakes his head at her, and she's unsure how to take the gesture. Is he laughing at her? "Wow, Katie. Where did that come from?"

She hates it when he calls her Katie. Only her dad gets that privilege. She pushes through it though, because Josh is trying his hardest to shove this issue under the rug and she feels insulted even though she has no right. "If you must know, Rick's in his office trying to get some work done. He has a deadline with his publisher in a couple days."

"Rick, huh?" he points out, and she instantly realizes that she did in fact call Castle by his first name. "Since when are you on a first name basis with the guy?" Josh's demeanor has become very defensive, and he looks to her expectantly.

"Are you really getting jealous right now because I called Castle by his first name?"

"Well, it's not something you would normally do. You don't usually defend him, either. That's new as well."

Finding herself more incensed with him than she's ever been, she finally shoves his hand off her knee and drops all the niceties she's been trying to show since he arrived at the loft. If he wants to argue, that's fine. She could do with a good shouting match. "Lots of things are new, Josh. Not that you've been around to witness them. Castle—Rick—has been here, helping me move around, keeping me occupied, making sure I eat so I can regain my energy."

"Sure, Kate. Now he's helpful."

It's a simple statement, but one she doesn't quite understand. What is '_now he's helpful_' supposed to mean?

"Why do you hate him so much?" she chances, knowing it's possible that he won't answer her. But the detective in her needs to know what happened while she was unconscious that made Castle and Josh loathe each other so much.

Josh stands from the couch upon the asking of her questions and walks across the room, standing and staring for a moment at the closed door of Castle's office before finally walking a few steps back toward Kate. "Why do I hate Castle?" he muses as he runs his hands through his hair. "I don't think there's any one way I can answer that question. He spends more time with you than I do, Kate. How is a guy _not_ supposed to be jealous of that?"

"That's the best you can do? Because if that was really the case, I'm going to have to point out the last time you took off for Africa for six weeks. You have a choice, Josh. And you chose your career."

"And you didn't?"

He has here there. She's just as guilty of putting her career first as he is. But the more she thinks about it, the more she comes to the conclusion that her career isn't the issue here with them.

She's not sure where to go from here. They're getting dangerously close to the point where she either has to close herself off completely from him or come clean about some truths about her job and past that she's not exactly proud of these days.

"You're right, I did choose my career," she starts, deciding to go for half-truths. "And I wish I could tell you the reason why, but I can't stop this now, Josh." The tears start to well up in her eyes and she pushes them back. She needs to stay strong right now and not let her emotions get the best of her.

"He knows though, doesn't he?" His voice is low and calm, sounding defeated and eerily resolved to the direction the conversation is headed.

She can answer two ways. She can open up to him—let him know what she's been keeping from him—and find out if he is as understanding as he always tells her he is. Or, she can simply answer his question, a choice that would send a message to him loud and clear that she has no intention of starting to share with him now.

"Yes," she replies, choosing the latter and still feeling a little guilty for her choice.

Josh resumes his pacing, slowly nodding his head. "Did you know he loves you, Katie? That he's _in love_ with you?"

Their eyes meet across the room and she's so overcome with his tone of voice that she's unable to voice her answer. She simply nods and tries to hide the tears that are now threatening to creep out of her eyes. It's time for her to make a decision, once and for all. She pushes the tears back a final time and barrels forward with a litany of confessions. "I couldn't stand him when we first met. He was arrogant, childish, and had no respect for authority whatsoever. But he proved to be an asset to our team. Our close rate is 40 percent higher when he consults. And I found myself being happier when he was around. At least, as happy as one can be when dealing with murder. He makes it easier."

"Whatever it is, Kate—whatever there is in your past that you can't find yourself to trust me with—is it because you already had someone? Because you already had someone who was there for you? Someone who listened and comforted you when it got heavy?"

His questions cut through her, and she immediately recognizes what he's asking her. "What? No, Josh. We're not—I haven't cheated on you with Castle."

"Maybe not physically, but emotionally? Yes you have, Kate."

Has she? He certainly has a point. The whole time she's been with Josh, Castle has still been the person she goes to when she needs to talk. Being fully committed to Josh would mean that she shares _everything_ with him, and she just hasn't been able to find it in herself to do so.

"He's my partner, Josh." She knows it's a flimsy excuse. She's already all but admitted her feelings for said partner to him. But '_he's my partner_' has always been her go-to excuse in regards to Castle, and she finds herself relying on it once again even though she's rendered it ineffective.

"I'm not going to pretend to understand the kind of relationship you have with him, Kate," Josh continues, seeming to have lost some of his anger. "Quite frankly, I don't understand it one bit. I'm jealous of it because I know you tell him things you won't tell me. I see the way he looks at you, and the way you look at him when you think I'm not paying attention, and I feel like I'm on the outside of an inside joke. Which, I probably am."

She doesn't know how to respond. She knows where this is heading, but the fact that she was expecting it doesn't make her feel any better about it. She cares for Josh—she really does—but the fact is that her feelings for Josh don't hold a candle to what she feels for Castle. The hardest part is knowing that Josh sees it, too.

"Josh…"

"Katie," Josh interrupts her, holding up his hand to stop her from saying whatever was about to come out of her mouth. "Just answer two questions for me, okay?" She nods, and he takes a deep breath. "Do you love him?"

"It's not that simple. He's my partner and I'm his muse and…"

Josh rolls his eyes, frustrated at her inability to give him a straight answer. "So you say, though today is the first time you've referred to him as such. I always heard the term '_shadow,'_ which made me feel better because it made the whole situation sound like he was a burden. But he's not, is he? He's much more than that. So let me ask you again. Do you love him?"

"Yes," is her answer this time, simple and soft-spoken. She takes a deep breath once the words finally escape her mouth, but she doesn't have time to think about what her admission means before Josh asks his second question.

"Were you going to break up with me today?"

"What kind of question is that?" She's caught off guard more than anything, shocked that he would come right out and ask such a question.

"I thought it was a simple one. Had you already decided we were over when I walked through the door today?"

"Yes."

His eyes fall to the floor and he slowly walks over to where she is still seated on the couch and crouches down next to her. "Do me a favor and tell him I'm sorry. I know it's not his fault." She opens her mouth to question his request, but he stops her with a finger on her lips. "Uh-huh. Don't worry yourself with it. It was just two guys who love you being scared that you were going to leave us."

Her voice continues to fail her, and she watches as he silently walks to the door and leaves. And just like that, she's unattached.

0o0o0o0o0o0o

Rick Castle continues to sit at his desk in his office, looking up at the closed door for what must be the millionth time since he heard the raised voices of Kate and Josh cease. The silence was followed closely by the closing of the door, and now he's stuck contemplating how to move forward with the development he's almost sure has taken place.

He shouldn't hope that she broke up with Dr. Motorcycle Boy, but he can't help it. She's been cryptic about her intentions, but he knows that Kate finds it difficult to share her feelings. And he can't blame her, especially since he's involved.

A handful of times, he's gotten as close as reaching for the door handle before stopping himself and consoling her. But he's not who—or what—she needs right now. If he goes out there now, when the wound is still fresh, he might end up doing more harm than good. So, he opts for Plan B.

"Castle? Is everything okay?" Lanie's voice sounds concerned from the other end of the line, immediately reinforcing his decision to call her.

"Yeah, yeah. It's just…Josh...and now it's really quiet," he sputters out, not knowing exactly how to phrase his concerns.

"Try that again, Writer Boy. I don't speak whatever language is you're speaking."

"Josh was here. They argued, he left, and now she's been out there and I haven't heard a sound from her in almost an hour."

He checks his phone, making sure the call wasn't disconnected, when he gets nothing but silence. "Lanie?"

"Let me get this straight. She just had an argument with her boyfriend—that included raised voices—and you haven't gone out to check on her? She's still healing, Castle! Did it ever occur to you that she might be hurt?"

"Oh, God. I didn't think of that…" He gets up and starts walking to the door in haste, but Lanie's voice calls out from the handset, making him stop in his tracks.

"Castle, I'm sure she's fine. If they argued, she's probably just trying to sort everything out."

"I don't think she wants to see me right now," he says in a low whisper. The admission sounds different when it actually crosses his lips, and the worry that he may never get his chance with Kate becomes more real.

"You're right, she probably doesn't." There's a pause, in which Castle lets out a frustrated sigh before Lanie clarifies her statement. "But I'm sure it's only temporary. Just give her some time, Castle."

"Could you…I mean, she probably needs to talk to _someone,_" he asks tentatively, hoping that Lanie understands his request.

"My shift is over in ten minutes. I'll come right over."

Castle breathes a sigh of relief. If he can't console Kate, at least she won't be alone. "Thanks, Lanie."

"Don't mention it, Castle."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Kate is startled by the ringing doorbell. She's been deep in thought ever since Josh left, her mind going in all sorts of directions. Before she can even sit up completely from the couch to answer the door though, Castle rushes into the living room from his office, motioning for her to sit down as he moves seamlessly through toward the door. She can hear voices, but can't make out any words, which only makes her suspicious.

Relief passes through her as Lanie comes into view, bringing with her a Styrofoam container with Remy's logo on it. Kate can only hope that it's some of their amazing chicken noodle soup. She didn't even realize it was on their menu until Castle ordered some a couple days ago. And now, it was maybe one of her favorite items from their favorite restaurant. She could swear the container was holding the scent of cheeseburgers, and if she couldn't have one yet, it certainly helped that she could smell it.

Castle enters the room hesitantly, and Kate looks up from her soup with a questioning eye.

"I have some errands to run," he tells both of them. "I should be back in a couple hours." He doesn't offer any other explanation, instead just turning and leaving Kate and Lanie alone.

"So," Lanie starts with an appraising eye.

Kate isn't fooled. "He called you, didn't he?"

Lanie looks deflated, but she doesn't try to keep up the charade any longer. "He's worried about you, and he didn't think you would want to talk to him about it."

"There isn't much to talk about."

"Uh huh, Beckett," Lanie asserts. "This can't be swept under the rug like everything else. You have some big time emotional shit to deal with, and you need a sounding board."

Lanie's words spark something in Kate. Why does everyone seem to know more about her "emotional shit" than she does? This is part of what she was contemplating from the time Josh left until Lanie showed up at the door. Her life was going to change, in one way or another. And before she can make the decision as to exactly how it changed, she needs to see the completed puzzle. Unfortunately, she was unconscious during some key moments.

Lanie wants her to talk about it. She will talk about it, but on her own terms. "Okay, let's talk." She pauses, taking in the slightly shocked expression on her best friend's face. "Josh and I broke up."

"Does that honestly surprise you?"

"No, it's just…"

"We're not getting any younger here, Kate. And don't tell me you haven't had enough time to think about what you being single again means."

"I know. Trust me, I know," Kate retorts, knowing that Lanie is trying to extract as much information from her as possible. She isn't doing it to be nosy, that's for sure. She's just being a good friend—giving her the opportunity to sort out her feelings out loud. "The weight of the situation stares me in the face every day."

"He tried to throw himself in front of a bullet for you, Kate."

"I know. He also apparently picked some kind of fight with Josh." Lanie looks away, telling Kate that Lanie has information about what happened between Castle and Josh. She contemplates for a split second whether or not she should pursue this line of questioning before the question escapes her mouth unchecked. "Lanie…what do you know?"

"Kate," Lanie starts, taking a deep breath and schooling her features. "I wish I could tell you exactly what happened. We thought we were going to lose you, and everyone's emotions were running high. All I know is that Josh said something to Castle that set him off. Then your dad came in and I took him to the waiting room. Whatever happened after that is a mystery to me."

Kate nods in understanding. She has to ask Castle if she wants a straight and complete answer, that's for sure. And while she wants to know—needs to know—the conversation is a source of anxiety for her. He'll say _it_ again, and she doesn't know if she's ready to hear it again or even reciprocate the sentiment.

"You wanna know what I think, girl?" Lanie asks, drawing Kate out of her thoughts. "I think you should stop thinking so much and go for it with Castle."

"It's not that easy, Lanie." Her voice is soft and unsure, and she's not even sure if she completely believes the words leaving her mouth.

"Of course it is! Give me one good reason why not."

"Deep fried Twinkies."

"He told Javi that he lost his appetite for those. Next?"

"Gina."

"He thought you were still with Demming, and you never told him otherwise. Next?"

"Life imitating art."

"I'm not even going to dignify that with a response. Next?"

"He's in love with me." The words come out before she can even stop them, and she immediately wishes she could take them back. She _did not_ plan on sharing that particular tidbit of information with Lanie.

"You're just now figuring this out? Of course he's in love with you. Which, by the way, is not a good reason for you to take a step back. If anything, it's more of a reason for you to jump in head first."

Kate hesitates, not sure whether she should disclose that Castle actually confessed his feelings to her after she was shot. Lanie assumes that Kate just figured it out on her own, and she's just fine with letting her continue to think that is the case. For now, at least.

"It's complicated."

"Again with the obvious, Kate. He loves you. And you may not realize it yet, but you love him, too."

"But he's just…Castle." She can't think of any other word to describe him. At least, she's unable to say them out loud. In her mind, words like arrogant, childish, and promiscuous come to mind. _But your heart¸ _she thinks,_ finds words like loyal, funny, devoted father._

"As your friend, I'm telling you—in the most loving and supportive way I know how—that Castle is the best thing to ever happen to you. I get that you have some reservations. I suppose it's natural. But if you let this pass you by, I will kick your ass ten ways to Sunday."

"Thanks for the words of encouragement." Kate smiles, though she knows Lanie is dead serious.

"Figure it out, Kate. Use those detective skills if you have to, but figure it out."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Kate finds Lanie's suggestion of using her detective skills to figure out Castle odd, but she decides to run with it anyway. It's all she has right now, after all, and she admittedly can use something to occupy her time.

Castle has been distant ever since Josh arrived yesterday, and though he won't say it, she can tell that he's waiting for a sign from her. What that sign is, she's not yet sure. She has to commend him for knowing that she wouldn't be comfortable talking to him about Josh; though, it's more about where she knows the conversation would lead than the fact that she doesn't feel comfortable talking to him. Her mind is jumbled right now, trying to reconcile the version of Castle that shows up on Page Six and the one who sits and listens to her divulge information she's never shared with anyone.

She's been mentally kicking herself, wondering why she's so focused on discovering the "real Rick Castle." She knows. Deep down, she knows. But the more she plots her strategy and contemplates what she wants to learn, the more it sounds like an episode of the Maury Povich Show—"My Boyfriend Was Living Two Lives and I Had No Idea!"

Did she just refer to Rick Castle as her boyfriend? Sure, it was only in her mind, but the slip-up still throws her off and makes her question why she's doing this if she can make that kind of leap with such ease. Does she _want_ Castle to be her boyfriend? She wouldn't be having this conversation with herself if she didn't.

"Good afternoon, Dear," she hears Martha exclaim as she waltzes into the loft, effectively pulling Kate out of her inner monologue. She plasters a fake smile on her face and greets the other woman, not sure if she wants to really talk right now.

"Hello, Martha."

Her greeting is less than cheerful and it only takes a split second for her to see the appraising look come over Martha's face. Kate smiles wider, reaching for her glass of water and making a show of going back to reading the book that has been sitting idle in her lap for the last thirty minutes.

"Is my darling son wandering around here somewhere?" Martha has now moved into the kitchen, dropping her bags on the counter and reaching into the refrigerator for a bottle of water. Kate is thankful for the end of their mutual assessment of one another, if for no other reason than it allows her to drop the fake smile.

"He had an errand to run, but he should be back soon."

Martha says nothing but nods as she walks, bags and water in tow, past Kate's position on the couch. It occurs to Kate that they are alone in the loft right now, and this would be the perfect opportunity to do some 'detecting.' She turns her head to see Martha hit the first few stairs on the way up to her room before words fly out of her mouth, surprising even herself.

"Why did Rick and Meredith get divorced?"

Kate can't see the expression on Martha's face, but by the way the older woman unceremoniously drops her bags at the bottom of the stairs, Kate can presume that she's hit a nerve. When Martha finally does come into view and glares at Kate as she approaches the couch, she's no longer the fun-loving grandmother that Kate is so used to seeing. She's…well, she's perturbed.

"Excuse me?"

"Why did—"

"No, dear, I heard you just fine. I just have no idea why you would ask such a question."

Kate knows the exact reason. She knows and has acknowledged it to herself. But to Martha? Hard as she might try, the words die in her throat, even as her mouth moves to form the words.

"You have it in your mind that it was Richard's fault, don't you?"

Kate can see it immediately. Martha has hit full-on diva mode, hell bent on protecting her only child. "I don't know. He's just…" she starts, not really sure how to voice her concerns. She's afraid of divulging too much to Martha, because she knows just how the matriarch will take such information.

"A playboy, right? He has money, signs the chests of his female admirers, and goes to events with questionable women on his arm. Surely those are signs that he was to blame for a failed marriage." Martha's words are harsh, but in a weird way accurate.

"Are you trying to say he wasn't?"

Kate knows Martha. She knows that the woman has no problem pointing out her son's imperfections to strangers, let alone friends and colleagues. If the woman is defending her son, she knows that there's a good reason. Kate suddenly feels guilty for throwing Martha under the bus with her question.

"I don't know all the details. There are some things a mother doesn't want to know about her son." She pauses, choosing her next words carefully. "But I can tell you that Richard suffered greatly when their marriage ended."

"But the last time she was in the city…"

"Oh, don't remind me! My son had to pull the proverbial rabbit out of the hat to get her to leave. She was threatening to move here, and that would have been devastating for everyone involved, including you."

"Why me?"

Martha's face drops in shock at Kate's words, and she moves around to the front of the couch to sit on the opposite end as Kate. "Like you don't know." Her voice is very matter-of-fact, and she only gives a slight pause before continuing. "Meredith, whether she realizes it or not, is very good at manipulating people. Her continued presence would have guaranteed that you wouldn't be here right now."

"What, you mean laid up on Castle's couch recovering from a gunshot wound that almost killed me? Because I could have done without that."

"No, I mean the part where you ask me about her because you're obviously concerned if Richard can be the man that you need."

Oh. Busted.

"Am I that obvious?"

"Only to people who know you. You're a wonderful detective, Kate, but not when dealing with people who know your hang-ups. Very predictable."

Kate doesn't know what to say. She tried to start a sentence three different times, but each time the words don't seem to fit with what she wants to say. Martha's right, though. She's always right.

"Promise you won't hold it against me?"

"My son is the happiest I've seen him in years, darling. I wouldn't dream of it. Just do your best to say out of the line of fire in the future, will you?" Martha pats her on the leg and walks back over to the stairs, picking up her bags and ascending half the flight before she stops. "Oh, and Kate? Alexis would be the best person to ask about Gina. I wasn't around for the majority of the time they were married."

Kate nods, thankful that Martha is giving her the chance to hear Alexis's side of the story. Kate will talk to Castle about everything—her hopes, fears, and concerns—but first, she needs to get the perspective of the most important female in his life.

**Author's Note: I would be a horrible person if I didn't take a minute to thank my lovely beta, Cloaker. Thanks to her, I know that I shouldn't try to write and drink at the same time. She told me a good deal of the original version of this chapter sucked, so I went back and wrote it over. This time, I was sober and I got a much better response from her. **

**So tell me, what did you think?**


	3. Chapter 3: Just Ask Me

**Chapter 3: Just Ask Me**

Alexis's busy schedule with school means that it's almost three days before Kate even gets an opportunity to grill the young Castle about Gina. And now that they're sitting on the couch watching mindless TV together, Kate is finding it hard to come up with a way to broach the subject.

"All you have to do is ask, Kate." Alexis's voice breaks through the drone of the voices coming from the television, breaking Kate's contemplation.

"What?"

"You're just dying to ask me about Gina. Gram told me you interrogated her about Mom the other night. She told me to expect you to ask about Gina and why Dad's marriage to her didn't work."

"The thought had crossed my mind."

Alexis grabs the remote and turns off the TV, then shifts her body on the couch so she's facing Kate. "Well, Dad won't be back from his publicity meeting for a few more hours, so now's your chance. Ask away."

Now that she has the chance and the opening, Kate isn't sure she wants to know. Her insecurities crop up again, and she feels that same nervousness she felt right before Castle walked out of the precinct with Gina on his arm. She's never completely gotten over that feeling, and she feels that asking the questions she really wants to ask Alexis could trudge up a bunch of old memories she would rather bury indefinitely.

"She's his publisher, right?" Her voice is tentative and light, as she's not sure where to start. The beginning sounds like the best idea. "How did they end up married?"

"I still ask myself the very same question," Alexis quips, a smile coming across her face that lightens Kate's mood and helps her relax. "I don't think it was ever one thing. Gina can be a slave driver, but she is also the very first person to tell Dad when he's written something great. I don't know exactly how they got together, and as the daughter, I don't want to."

"Oh, you don't have to…"

"Good, because I would rather remain oblivious about some things. It's one thing to have a close relationship with my father; it's another to have him tell me about all his exploits. I know enough just from bailing him out of jail."

Kate nods in understanding, and begins to wonder how much of their marriage was real and how much was professional convenience. From some of the offhand comments he's made in the past, she knows that he's always felt something was missing from his personal relationship with his publisher.

"How old were you?" She's surprised at the direction she takes the conversation, but this is Alexis. She's the most mature seventeen-year-old Kate has ever known, but she often times gets brushed aside in favor of her famous father. Maybe this conversation is better served from the stand point of how it affected Alexis, instead of why the marriage failed.

"Ten, eleven maybe. And trust me, it was a surprise. I went to California to visit my mom for two weeks and they were married when I came home."

"He got married without you there?" It didn't sound like something Castle would do, especially knowing how much he adored his daughter.

"Well, I never got the full story. I was still too young. But I figured out that it wasn't planned and Vegas was involved. That should tell you plenty right there."

Now, _that_ sounded like something Castle would do. He did spontaneous better than most, and certainly better than anyone else she knew.

"And how long did it last?" Her question is simple, because Alexis doesn't seem to need much prompting.

"Two years. Dad couldn't take it anymore. Every time he turned around, Gina was breathing down his neck wondering why he wasn't writing. She even cancelled a family vacation behind his back because she said he had a deadline and she knew that if we went on vacation he would be too distracted to finish the book."

"She didn't?" Kate laughs as she asks the question, knowing that Gina made a fatal mistake in pulling such a stunt. Her laughter loosens the mood between the two of them, and Kate is thankful for it.

"She did. And then Dad filed for divorce. He said that he couldn't be married to someone he worked for."

"I see," Kate responds. The lighter mood that just took occupancy in the room faded almost immediately. Her heart drops to her toes, and she can tell that Alexis is eyeing her suspiciously.

"Of course, he doesn't actually get paid by the NYPD, so that rule doesn't apply to you." Alexis's statement is simple and matter of fact, and it catches her off guard and brings her heart back to its intended position all at the same time.

"What's that supposed to mean?" She can't help but ask, simply because she's curious about the direction the conversation will go now that the topic is her relationship status with Alexis's father.

"It means that he doesn't have to break his own rule with you. That's part of why you're so alluring to him, you know. Everything he thought he knew about women gets thrown out the window when you're involved."

"Alexis, I…" Kate starts, though she has no idea what she's going to say. The words die in her mouth, and she's left watching Alexis's expressions as she tries to figure out how to respond.

Was she really the only one who had no idea how Castle—Rick—really felt about her? It seems everyone she's spoken with in the last two weeks has known how he feels, yet she's left reeling over the shock of his confession.

"I used to wonder what the draw was. I mean, why did he feel the need to be there _all the time?_ Alexis says, her tone thoughtful. "I thought maybe he'd finally gone off the deep end. What kind of person with a healthy mind would surround himself with death voluntarily, right?"

"I tried to get rid of him," Kate finally responds. She tries to make her voice sound light, but it's difficult because they're talking about death. And death, as they both know, isn't light. "But he's stubborn and irrational in that sense."

"See, that's my point." Alexis is fixing her eyes on Kate, an expression coming over the younger Castle's face that Kate has never witnessed before. "Dad is…he's so…blinded by his feelings for you that I'm afraid he'll…" she pauses, a look of regret flashing across her eyes. "I'm afraid next time he'll get there in time."

Kate understands. She understands what Alexis means by 'get there in time,' understands the regretful look in the teenager's eyes, and understands the girl's need to protect her father when it appears he needs protection from himself. Or, in this case, Kate. Does he need protection from her? Would their continued friendship—or, whatever—jeopardize his safety?

"I don't blame you," Alexis continues, her voice wavering. "I just don't want to go through what you have."

"Neither do I. No one should have to experience losing a parent like I did." Kate hopes she doesn't sound defensive, because she really means every word. "I hope you know that I take his safety seriously and that I do everything in my power to keep him safe."

Alexis nods, but doesn't meet Kate's eyes. "I know. But I also know that it's not enough anymore."

"What are you trying to say, Alexis?"

"I like you, Kate. I really do. But I'm afraid you're going to get Dad killed someday."

Kate stares at her, unsure how to respond. Is there an acceptable response to that? Before she realizes it, a single tear slips down her cheek. Alexis is right. Something has to change.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Kate sits in the bedroom later that night, desperately trying to read and get her mind off her conversation with Alexis. Despite her desire to respect the girl's wishes, the idea of losing Castle makes her want to fight for him even more. She wants to find a way to make it work, even if it means that he's no longer her partner.

There's a knock on the door, and she knows it's Castle before he even peeks his head through the door. He's been mostly absent the last few days, ever since she broke up with Josh. He was always there to help her when she needed it, whether it be helping her move around or reminding her about what she can and can't eat, but other than that he left her mostly to her own thoughts. And now that he's here, she knows that he's finally reached his breaking point.

"Hey," he says softly as he enters the room. She returns his greeting, a smile breaking across her face at his newfound shyness. He moves closer, gesturing toward the bed. "You mind?"

"No, not all," she tells him. She scoots over to make room for him, laying her book aside and giving him her full attention.

A silence falls upon them, something that is totally new, especially when Castle is involved. But now that they're about to have a _real_ conversation, she can see the uncertainty in his features. He's just as scared as she is. "I, uh…talked to Alexis. She said you tried to play the good cop with her."

"Is that what she told you?" She highly doubts that Alexis actually said that, but it puts a smile on her face to know that Castle is sugarcoating it as a way to break the ice.

"Well, no. She told me you asked her some questions about Gina, then she confessed to—and these are her words—'channeling her inner bitch.' She's sorry, by the way."

"Is she really sorry or is this you being sorry for her?" Kate doesn't mean the words to come out as biting as they do, but the question remains.

"She's really sorry. She practically bowled me over when I walked in the door, worried that you would hate her forever for what she said. Though, she never actually told me what she said, just that it was bad and she couldn't believe the words came out of her mouth."

He looks at her expectantly. He wants to know, but for some reason doesn't actually come out and ask. Kate contemplates telling him; doing so would just make her feel like a tattle tale. She settles with, "She's just worried about you, about your safety," and hopes that is enough.

He nods, and she can see that he understands. But just when she thinks that he's going to drop the subject, he turns on his side, supporting himself on his elbow and moving closer to her. She turns to mirror his position, but pretends not to be affected by their proximity. At least, not yet.

"I worry about your safety," he whispers, his eyes never leaving hers. "I worry that you're going to push me away." He pauses, tentatively lifting his hand to caress her cheek. "And worst of all, I worry that you've ruined me for other women, because I honestly can't picture myself with anyone else but you." His eyes fall to her lips, but he doesn't make any movement, instead just measures her reactions.

"Rick," she starts, unsure what she's going to say but knowing that she has to say _something_. But before she can, he's talking again.

"I know you're not ready for this, and you just broke up with Josh, but I need you to know. I know you know, but the first time was a knee-jerk reaction. I need—"

"Rick…" she tries again, only to be cut off by the words he was working up to saying, despite her earlier protests.

"I love you."

Kate freezes, even though she knew those were the words he was working up to saying. But actually hearing them, in a non-traumatic setting, makes everything real. They're here, lying on his bed mere inches from each other, and on the verge of something that could both make her whole and destroy her.

She knows she loves him, has even admitted as much to both Lanie and Josh. But she can't take back an admission to Castle. Once it's out there, there's no going back. Once the words are out there, it's full steam ahead. And is she really ready for that? Is she ready to go there with him, one month removed from almost being gunned down by her mother's killer and just days after calling it quits with Josh?

A part of her recognizes that they're going about this all wrong. He's supposed to ask her out on a date, and she's supposed to turn him down at least five times before relenting and agreeing to _one date_. He's supposed to insist on kissing her goodnight at her door at the end of the evening and she's supposed to vehemently disagree until he surprises her at the last minute. They're supposed to date for an acceptable period of time before "I love you"s are exchanged, and being in the same bed together isn't supposed to be met with such insecurity.

But, nothing is ever conventional when Castle is involved. And though she despised it early on, she has learned to love that they write their own rules. She will never forget their first kiss, a surprise that she finds oddly romantic. She has lost count of the many times they have gone for a burger and a beer at Remy's after closing a case. Surely those can count as dates. So really, they aren't as unconventional as she originally thought.

She could just say the words. She _wants_ to say the words. But she really wants to go for something with more of an impact. Somehow, the words don't seem to be enough right now. She leans forward and presses her lips to his, initially surprising him. He recovers and kisses her back, but she pulls away before letting it go any further.

Kate opens her eyes and sees that his are still closed. A smile reaches across her features and she waits for his eyes to open. When they do, she feels confident. "I love you, too."

Now it's his turn to be surprised. The look on his face is one she wants to memorize, because she doesn't see it often. He's speechless, and that in itself is to be commemorated. His features change slightly, and his eyes fall to her lips before he leans forward and kisses them, his free hand tentatively moving to rest on her hips.

"So," he starts, meeting her eyes again. There's a glimmer in the way he looks at her, warning her that some teasing is coming soon. "You want to explain why you turned my loft into Interrogation Central the last couple days? I know you're getting restless being here and not working, but why not just ask me? I would have been more than happy to tell you anything you wanted to know."

Their proximity getting a little overwhelming, Kate turns away from him to lie on her back and look at the ceiling. She can feel him watching her, waiting for her explanation. "As friends—as partners, even—it was easy for me to overlook 'Richard Castle, best-selling playboy novelist.' But now?"

"Not so much, huh?" His voice is light and teasing, but she knows him well enough to know that he's not taking the conversation lightly.

Kate lets out a small chuckle in response to his tone. One thing she's always loved—yes, loved—about Castle is how unapologetic he is in regards to his personality. He dares people to take him or leave him, because he'd rather have people surrounding him who appreciate his zest for life. He can be cocky and he knows it. The last thing he would ever do is make excuses for his exuberance.

"I wouldn't say that," she answers finally. "It's just that—" She stops, not exactly sure how to explain it to him.

Thankfully, Castle understands completely. "I get it. It's like when you're buying a new car. You know it looks nice on the road—top down, stereo blaring, and nothing ahead of you but the open road. But you can't make a decision on just those aspects. This is your mode of transportation and it's a huge investment. Owning a car isn't all road trips and showing off. It's oil changes and tune-ups and unexpected maintenance that puts a strain on your pocketbook for a couple months. You have to weigh all the components and make sure the car is really worth the investment, especially knowing that you're going to be stuck with it for a good, long time."

Kate stares back in a state of amazement, not quite sure how he came up with that analogy. It's oddly appropriate, though. Eventually she turns her head to face him, her lips upturning slightly. "How do you do that?" she inquires, feeling the words come to her more easily the longer she gazes at his cautious yet confident face. "How do you take my incoherent thoughts and turn them into a complex metaphor that compares buying a car with the possibility of embarking on a relationship?"

"It's what I do," he replies easily. He enjoys the moment, both of them grinning with the comfort of their friendship, before he turns serious again and reaches out to take her hand in his. "So, is it worth the risk? Am _I_ worth the risk?"

She already knows her answer, has known for the last few hours since she convinced herself that Alexis was responding out of concern for her father and not necessarily because she disliked Kate. But coming out and saying it—admitting that she needs him—proves more difficult.

Questions about the hostilities between Castle and Josh return to her unbidden. Her asking him, yet again, about what happened would sound like a broken record to him, but it's a need she can't seem to shake for reasons she can't quite figure out. The closest she can come to giving herself an answer is that she needs to know how he would react to possibly losing her. She needs to know if he would lose himself like she did in her mother's murder.

"I think so, but first I need to know what happened at the hospital between you and Josh."

"Josh didn't tell you?" Castle's words are even and measured, his expression not giving away any hints as to why she's asking this of him.

"Just that you were both stressed and that I should worry myself with it."

"He was right."

He hates admitting that Josh is right about something, and seeing it in his eyes almost makes her laugh despite the seriousness of their conversation. "Castle, just a few minutes ago you said that I should ask you if I need to know something about you. So here I am asking. What happened?"

"It's not important anymore."

"Yes it is. It's important to me."

"It wasn't my finest moment." He pauses for a brief moment, his eyes meeting hers before he lies on his back and closes his eyes, remembering the painful events of the day he thought he lost everything he never knew he needed.

_He ran, faster than he ever thought he'd run before, into the emergency room. He'd followed the ambulance_ _and cursed the fact that there was no parking closer to the building. He needed to get to her, needed to make sure she was going to live._

_He caught sight of her being wheeled down the hall and made to follow, only to be cut off by hands that forcibly pushed him into the wall._

"_Where the hell do you think you're going?"_

_Having been forcibly stopped, he started spewing nonsense from his mouth. "She's…shot…and I…she needs…" The words weren't coming easily, not only because he's still in shock, but because he's winded from running across the parking lot only to be shoved against the wall to stop his forward progress._

_He finally looked up to see the face of the hands' owner when he realized his words were making no sense. He had hoped the person would have some sympathy for him and let him pass, but of course, he had no such luck._

_Josh. And he was downright pissed._

"_What did you do, Castle?"_

_The words shook him out of his emotional haze, bringing about a rage in him he hadn't realized existed until that moment. He set his jaw, stood up straighter, and gave Josh a little push back to reclaim her personal space._

"_What did _I_ do? I tried to save her, that's what I did. But it wasn't enough, and now she's laying on that gurney fighting for her life instead of me." _

"_How did she even get shot in the first place? I thought she was at a freaking funeral."_

"_She was. We both were…" His words died off, knowing that he couldn't share any more of the story with Josh. Kate hadn't told him anything about her mother's murder or the fact that they were investigating it again, and to keep talking would mean betraying her trust._

"_I swear to God, Castle. If anything happens to her…"_

"_Don't even bother. I have enough guilt as it is."_

"_I thought you said it wasn't your fault."_

"_I never said that. I said I tried to save her, but I wasn't quick enough." He was circling, talking about the events without actually talking about them in fear of letting slip the real reason Kate was shot. Because that, as it turned out, _was_ his fault. If it wasn't for him, Johanna Beckett's murder case never would have been reopened. And Kate wouldn't be fighting for her life right now because her mother's murderer needed her dead._

"_Damn it, Castle," Josh yelled, grabbing Rick by the bloodied jacket he wore and shoving him up against the wall. "What aren't you telling me here? That's my girlfriend in there, for God's sake._

"_If you don't already know, I'm not going to tell you. I won't betray her trust."_

_Josh backed away, letting go of Castle's jacket, and turning slightly before speaking again. "I don't expect you to understand what it means to love someone, Castle."_

"_You're not the only one who loves her, Josh." His words were soft, yet determined. Now that he'd admitted his feelings to Kate, the floodgates were open. _

"_What?" Josh turned, anger flowing through him once more._

"_I said 'you're not the only one who loves her.'" His confidence soared, knowing that he had sent the doctor into a tailspin that could end this confrontation so he could get back to Kate. "And you may love her, but let me ask you who she confides in, who she unwinds with at Remy's after a tough case, and who she trusted to…" He almost said it. He almost told Josh that Kate trusted him to help her find her mother's killer. _

"_Trusted to what, Castle?"  
><em>

"_Nothing." He looked down to the floor, unable to believe that Josh could get him so riled up that he would forget the promise he made to Kate and get within a couple of syllables of telling a secret that wasn't his to tell. If she wanted Josh to know, she would have told him by now._

_Before his eyes reach Josh's again, he felt a shock against his jaw that sent him down to the floor in a heap. Recovering quickly, he looked up to see Josh hovering over him. "You sleeping with my girlfriend, Castle?"_

"_Aren't you supposed to ask me that question _before_ you slug me?" He shouldn't be laughing at the situation, but he can't help it. He also can't help thinking that Kate would be furious if she knew they were here fighting over who loved her more when she was in the emergency room fighting for her life._

"_Just answer the question." Josh was holding on to his jacket again, pulling him up off the floor and making Castle look like a wimp. _

_He still had words though, even if his masculinity had been tromped on and run through the mud. "Nope, sorry. Can't say that I have." He waited, watching as Josh lowered him to the ground and waiting for just the right moment to get in his last verbal punch. "At least, not in the literal sense. But I have written three books about our exploits, and I have a very active imagination."_

_His words got the intended response, and Josh simply let go of Castle's jacket, dropping him to the floor and walking away while Castle tried to remember that, though he would normally have a good laugh over what just transpired, now was not one of those times._

"You didn't." She's caught somewhere between laughing and wanting to smack him for saying those things to Josh.

"I did. Sorry." Now that he's done telling the story, he turns back on his side and props his head up on his elbow so he can evaluate her reaction.

"Why are you apologizing? It sounds like he started it to me."

"Because I—he baited me and I took it. I let my emotions get the best of me."

"To be fair, he has feelings, too."

She laughs at her own statement, just because it sounds more absurd coming out of her mouth than it did in her head. Are they really talking about _feelings_?

"And now you know who started it. And who finished it."

"I guess I do," she says, her voice soft as she reaches out and cups his cheek. "Always have to have the last word, don't you?"

"Always," he smiles back, liking that he can use what has become their personal endearment toward each other in a manner that has some levity to it. "So am I forgiven? Think you can look past my lapse in judgment?"

She leans into him, eliminating the amount of space between them as her eyes fall to his lips. "I've been looking past your lapses in judgment for three years, Castle. Why would I stop now?"

"Good point," he replies, before meeting her lips with a smile.

**0o0o0o0o0o**

**A/N: Thank you to everyone for the reviews and alerts. They mean a great deal. It's always nice to come home from a hot classroom to a bunch of reviews**


	4. Chapter 4 Let It Go

_****Continuation of this story is thanks to NoOrdinaryLines and msTGR. Thanks AC and Thais for making me dust this off and continue it. _

_Of course, this is now an AU, set at the end of season 3. _

**Chapter 4 Let It Go**

Kate tries to change the subject, knowing where this conversation is heading. Pretty soon, Lanie is going to start asking for details. And really, there aren't any details to share. Her lingering injuries have made sure of that. Instead, she pulls out one of her reliable conversation stoppers, certain to tell her best friend that she's not willing to share. "Just the usual. Nothing overly exciting."

Lanie drops her line of questioning, if only temporarily. They give their drink orders to the waitress and start to peruse the menu when she brings it up again. "It has to be a record though, right? The amount of time you've spent together the last few weeks outside of the precinct, I mean."

Kate looks up, initially not sure where this is going. Kate sees the questioning look on Lanie's face, the one that speaks volumes without saying a word. It's a look borne from years of being best friends, from spending enough time with both her _and_ Castle that she knows that there are plenty more obstacles to overcome.

"We'll cross that bridge when we get to it, Lanie," Kate explains quietly. She doesn't really want to discuss it right now. Not now, when she only twenty minutes ago was given the clear from her doctor to start rebuilding her strength.

The waitress returns and they quickly give their orders before Lanie kicks Kate under the table to regain her attention. "Answer me one thing. How much have you discussed your mother's case, and yours for that matter, since you've been at the loft?"

Kate doesn't answer, but simply returns that glare that Lanie employed so flawlessly moments ago. They haven't talked about it. The subject has been one they have managed to navigate around for the last couple weeks, instead focusing on the fact that she was there—alive—and they now had the chance to make up for lost time. But as much as she loves the thought, she realizes that Lanie is right. Returning to work means facing everything she's been avoiding since…well, longer than she cares to admit.

They eat in silence, an oddity that Kate is thankful for. As much as she loves Lanie and is grateful that she has friends who can pull her out of her blissful ignorance, she needs a few minutes to reflect.

"I get it, you know."

Lanie's quiet words across the table bring Kate's eyes back up to silently question her friend.

"I wasn't trying to be mean or hurtful by bringing it up. I know why you've avoided the topic."

"Then why—" Kate starts, only to be cut off by Lanie's hand shushing her.

"This thing with you and Castle," Lanie starts as she dabs her mouth with her napkin and sits back in the booth. "It's intense. It always has been. Even from the beginning."

"I don't know if that's the case," Kate defends. Lanie's right, but that doesn't mean she has to admit to it.

"Yeah, sure."

"Lanie…"

"Are you really going to argue with me about how long you've had feelings for Castle?"

"No, but…"

"No buts. Regardless of when it started, it's still intense. And the fact is that it took your life hanging in the balance to bring the two of you together. My guess is that right now, you're both teetering on the edge, afraid to say or do the wrong thing. So instead, you tread where it's safe. Avoid the issue, and you can delay the inevitable."

"Which is?" Kate asks, curious to hear what Lanie considers to be 'the inevitable.'

"That you're both in over your heads."

Kate sits up, sure that she just heard her best friend say that she and Castle are in over their heads with their relationship. That it's something they can't handle. That it will ruin them. She opens her mouth to argue, but words don't come. She was sure Lanie was on their side, that she was pulling for them.

"With the case, Kate. Your mom's case, your shooting, everything. You and Castle are in over your heads. They almost killed you. If you keep poking, they might succeed and get Castle while they're at it."

The thought of Castle losing his life because of her crashes her back to reality. Chasing her mother's killer has always been _her _crusade. Not for the first time, she is wracked with guilt over what her needs and compulsions could do to his family. They could leave Alexis without a father, Martha without a son. When it was just her going after the killer, her motivations were easier to justify. Then again, she'd never been so close to catching him. She'd never been close enough where the person responsible felt endangered enough to try and kill her.

"Listen, I meant what I said." Lanie's voice is quiet again, matching Kate's demeanor now that she'd been shocked with exactly how much was at stake now that she made the decision to let Castle in completely. "I get it. I think not talking about it for a time was probably a smart move. I think you needed a break, and you obviously needed to do some healing. You still do, really. All I'm asking is that you and Castle have a serious discussion about turning this over to someone with more resources and not as much personal attachment."

"Why do I get the idea that you already have someone in mind?"

"No one specifically. But you have plenty of federal contacts, Kate. Use them. Get their help. And get out from behind that shadow that's been following you around for the last 13 years."

"How much has Esposito told you?" Kate asks, realizing Lanie's knowledge of events that Kate hasn't shared with her friend.

"Enough to know that you're damn lucky to be alive."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Kate returns to the loft, her awkward conversation with Lanie behind her but leaving her with questions about how her doctor's partial release will affect her ever-changing relationship with Castle. She shouts his name as she crosses the threshold, expecting him to be waiting for her, but her arrival is met with silence.

She sits on the couch, her head falling against the back as her mind starts to cycle through the past month. Her thoughts are fleeting, her consciousness not able to stick with a single thought for long. For some reason, a simple doctor's visit has brought back Detective Kate Beckett with full force, and she can't seem to shake the part of her that wants to storm into the precinct immediately and take over the investigation into the person who tried to have her killed.

The door opens some time later, and Kate becomes aware that she must have dozed off on the couch. She sits up, running her hands through her hair and righting herself after her unintentional nap. A set of keys crash against the kitchen island behind her, causing her to turn around in anticipation. She only knows one person who throws their keys like that.

"Kate…hey," Castle says as he walks into the living room. He hides something behind his back and makes a hasty retreat behind the island in the kitchen. "I thought you were out with Lanie this afternoon."

Curious, Kate walks over to greet him, a smile on her face as she takes note that he doesn't want her to see whatever he just shoved in a drawer. "I was," she tells him, pushing up on her toes to give him a brief kiss. "But I was getting tired and Lanie noticed."

Rick's eyes take in her appearance, and he runs his hands through her hair. "Understandable. Did the nap help?"

"What?" Kate asks, intent on denying that she was sleeping when he got home. "I wasn't—"

"Kate," he admonishes laughingly. "I may not be a detective, but I learned from the best." He takes in her tousled hair, and his eyes fall on her own sleepy pupils. "Messy hair, your eyes are droopy, and you have a line on your face from leaning against the pillow."

"Okay, so I was sleeping. What's the big deal?" She walks away from him, her fingers lingering on his forearm as she retreats into the kitchen. She wants to know what's in that drawer and why it is such a secret that Rick stashed it there when he realized she was present.

"Hey, no big deal," he tells her, wasting no time in following her to the kitchen. "I'm glad you're rested."

"So what have you been up to this afternoon?" she asks in an attempt to find out what he's hiding from her. "I was expecting you here when I got back."

"Ah, Detective," he drawls, following her retreating form across the kitchen. When he catches up to her, he wraps his arms gently around her from behind, surprising her. "Did you miss me?"

"Mmm, maybe a little."

She relaxes into his embrace, feels his lips gently brush over her exposed collar bone, his strong arms protecting her, and his thick fingers dancing along the planes of her stomach. This has been the extent of their physical contact over the course of the past few weeks, a series of soft touches, mostly chaste kisses, and teasing embraces. Going no further has been an unspoken mutual agreement between them, the nature of her injuries causing a greater degree of caution.

He almost has her devoid of all other thought when Lanie's questioning enters her mind unbidden. Kate internally curses her best friend, not just for her inquisitive nature regarding her personal life, but also for her insistence that she and Castle—and the whole team, for that matter—are in over their heads when it comes to this mess of a 13-year-old murder investigation.

"So what was that you shoved in the drawer when you came in? Hiding some kind of surprise for me?"

Kate turns in his embrace—almost too quickly. Now that her mind has gone in that direction, there's no way to dismiss her curiosity. Her arms go around his waist, a desperate move to steady herself that doubles as an affectionate gesture. She doesn't see the loving and joking face from earlier, though. He looks…nervous.

"No, uh…" Castle stutters, and she can see the desperation in his eyes. But he goes back to the drawer, opens it, and pulls out a file folder. He holds it with both hands, not looking her in the eye, and lays it on the counter. With the slightest nudge of his finger, it is within her reach.

It—whatever _it_ is—is there, just waiting for her. But she can't find it in her to open it. Instead, she desperately looks to Castle for an explanation.

"We may have found something."

The words are simple, but hold a great deal of weight. Kate is unsure how to even proceed. She needs more. And did he say _we?_ She holds her tongue, hoping for more of an explanation.

"I've been trying to help out the boys, as much as I can, to find the guy who shot you."

"You've been doing _what_?"

"Just research, Kate, I swear. I haven't even left the precinct. That is, when I actually go into the precinct."

"So, what? You've been doing this on the sly without me?"

"Well, yeah. I can't stand the thought of someone out there wanting you dead, Kate. It drives me insane, keeps me awake at night." He takes three steps forward and reaches his hand out for hers, brings it to rest on top of the file. "You've been in no condition to think or deal about this. The boys and I, we just need to find _something_."

"I take it you have, judging by the size of that file." Her eyes glance down, and her fingers begin to itch with the possibilities. The contents could contain the break they need, or it could be another dead end.

"It's small. But they're a bunch of small events that could be connected in some way. Problem is that we're missing the proof."

He removes his hand from hers and grabs the file, ready to share with her what they found. But before he can, she slams it shut again on the counter and stalks off toward the living room.

She falls onto the couch, her body suddenly feeling exhausted. Getting out today was a good feeling, even if it was for a doctor's appointment and subsequently being grilled by Lanie, but now she feels weary. Her shoulders weigh her down and her legs feel heavy as well. But most of all, she just wants to be rid of it all. She's tired, but not just physically.

Castle follows quietly after a few minutes, giving her a good deal of space as he sits down next to her on the couch.

"What's going on in that head of yours?"

"Tomorrow, I'm placing a call to Jordan Shaw," she says matter-of-factly. "It's time we pass this off to someone else. Someone higher up."

"But Kate—"

"I know, Castle. Trust me, I know." She doesn't elaborate, knows that he was going to argue for the person she used to be, the person whose mission in life was to solve her mother's murder. But now, now she's responsible for more than just herself. Now she needs to make sure Castle makes it home to his daughter. And if they continue down this road with the case, she's not certain she can bring him home. She would never forgive herself.

"You're sure about this? It's been your…"

"Obsession? Crutch? Character flaw?"

"Not the words I was going to use, but—"

"But still the truth. And the rest of the truth is that we're not equipped to deal with this the way it should be dealt with. We're too close, too vulnerable, and our resources are too limited."

Castle sits back on the couch, trying to mask the smile erupting throughout his features. He shakes his head slowly.

"This isn't exactly the reaction I expected, Castle." Though, she isn't exactly sure what kind of reaction she _did_ expect from him.

"I won't lie. I'm kind of ecstatic right now."

"Really? Because you look like you don't believe me."

"Oh, then you need more practice with my facial expressions." He scoots toward her, the smile now unabashedly plastered on his face as he reaches for her and wraps one arm around her waist delicately. "This is my 'I can't believe I fell in love with such an extraordinary woman' face."

"It is, huh?"

Her eyes droop shut, just as much from his words as from the emotional heaviness of the day.

"Yeah," he whispers against her skin. "And you are extraordinary. I've only ever wanted you to be happy. If you being happy meant being the one to solve your mother's murder, then I was going to do whatever I could to help you accomplish that goal. But if you're ready to hand it off and let someone else deal with it…"

"I am."

"Then I'm all for it."

* * *

><p>This is NOT the end. There are many more "evolutions" to take place in their relationship, which I'll be exploring in the coming chapters. Thank you for reading.<p> 


	5. Chapter 5: Wet

_This chapter is what happens when people start talking about showers on Twitter. Thanks to AC for demanding this chapter by today, to Anna for the beta help, and to Thais for...well, for barking dogs._

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 5: Wet<strong>

He hates seeing her in pain.

He's been lulled into a false sense of security the last few weeks, with her moving around the loft almost pain free. But as they walk into the loft, fresh from her first physical therapy session, he can see the weariness in her features and the way she has to practically force herself to stay upright. He has half a mind to pick her up and carry her to bed for a nap, but the errant thought that she might produce a gun out of thin air and shoot him for even entertaining the thought makes him reconsider.

Kate immediately finds her way to the refrigerator, pulling out a bottle of ice cold water and downing half of it in one gulp before she even shuts the door. She sways a little, and he notices her eyes dart to his quickly in hopes that he hasn't noticed just how much she's suffering right now.

But he does. And it's breaking his heart.

She grasps the door, her knuckles turning white, and takes a deep breath before walking to the couch and falling gingerly onto the cushions. Castle finally finds the courage to go to her, to do what he can to comfort her.

"What hurts?" he asks as she crowds into him once he sits down next to her. She looks about ready to cry.

"Everything."

"I guessed as much Kate, but I only have two hands. What hurts _the most_?"

She groans and takes a moment, he suspects to assess the different aches and pains of her body.

"My legs—my calves—they feel like jelly."

"Okay, then," he says, pulling her limp body off his chest. He lays her back on the couch, her head resting against the opposite arm. His hand cups her cheek as she grimaces in pain and he whispers _"sorry, sorry"_ against her other cheek as he retreats to the other end of the couch.

"What are you doing?" she asks as his hands find her legs and start kneading the muscles in her calf.

Castle stops abruptly, his fingers stilling but not leaving her calves. He can feel the tightness, knows that the soreness will be multiplied tomorrow, but he has the compulsion to do _something_ to make her feel better, more relaxed.

"Trying to help?"

"Castle," she starts, her voice soft with appreciation, "I'm going to have much worse days than this. I've _had_ much worse days than this." She takes another drink from her water, draining what is left from the bottle, but her eyes never leave his.

He can see she's trying to ease his mind, but all she's doing is making him more on edge. He doesn't know what it was about seeing her suffer through physical therapy that has made him so protective of her well-being, moreso than he already was. He sat there, watching out of the corner of his eye, as the therapist ran her through a series of exercises meant to rebuild her strength. He saw her, as he pretended to look through a three-month-old copy of _People_ magazine, push and stretch and struggle to do everything to the extent that was expected.

Castle withdraws his hands and looks away from her, ashamed that he's having such a hard time dealing with the harder aspects of her recovery. "I know. I'm sorry."

"Hey," she says, moving her legs off the couch and sliding down so she's sitting next to him. Her hand gently covers his, and his eyes find hers again. "I appreciate you trying to help. I really do. But I think I'm going to take a rain check on the massage, just until I can actually enjoy it."

"I'll keep that in mind," he says with a smile, taking note of her meaning.

"You know what you can do, though?" she asks as she stands, and he lifts his eyes in interest. "I'm going to take a shower. I could use some Advil and a glass of water. Then, I want us to lie down and take a nap. I think you need one just as much as I do."

He stands and takes her hand in his, delighted to hear the lightness in her tone. He's heard it more in the past few weeks than ever before, their meeting with Captain Gates and Jordan Shaw lifted a weight off her shoulders that has allowed her to focus on her recovery and not concern herself with the person pulling all the puppet strings.

"Are you sure you wouldn't rather take a bath? I could run the water for you."

"No, Castle. I don't actually want to take my nap in the bath tub."

"OK, then. Off you go." He gives her a quick kiss as she heads through the study and into his bedroom while he retreats to the kitchen for her water and Advil.

He gives her a few moments of privacy, taking the opportunity to check his messages. He answers one from Alexis, offers his sympathy that she's been left to her own devices most of the time she's been in LA visiting Meredith. He misses his daughter, can't wait for her to return in a few days' time, but can't deny that he's enjoyed having the extra time alone with Kate since his mother left for the Hamptons a week ago.

Walking into the bedroom, Castle hears the water from the shower, sees the clothes Kate wore to therapy neatly laid over the arm of the chair. He leaves her water and Advil on the bedside table, and takes the opportunity to quickly change out of his dress shirt and jeans to a white t-shirt and sweats.

He's on the bed, lifting his legs into a pair of dark blue sweat pants when he hears it. A yelp of pain, followed by a thump and what sounds like an _oomph._ Castle scrambles to his feet, almost tripping over the sweats as they fall to the floor and he rushes into the bathroom.

"Kate!"

Castle doesn't wait for her answer, instead pushes the sliding door open so forcefully that it bounces off the other end of the track. He finds her on the floor of the shower, back against the wall and one leg pushed up to her chest. Then he's on his knees next to her under the hot and steaming spray of the shower, taking in the slight amusement on her face.

"What's wrong? Are you ok?" he asks in a rush, the water falling over his hair, his face, and quickly soaking through his t-shirt and boxers.

"I'm fine, Castle. Really," Kate tells him, her hand massaging the calf closest to her body. "Leg cramp and I lost my balance."

"God, Kate," he breathes, relief washing over his features as his hand reaches out for her leg, testing the tightness in her muscles. His eyes follow his hands, and it finally dawns on him how much skin he's seeing. Kate's skin. Never-ending. Wet, naked skin.

"Castle…"

His eyes leave the expanse of leg, leaving a scorching trail up her body until he's finally looking her in the eye. He expects her to look at him with reproach, shove his hand away, and rush to cover herself. But she doesn't do any of those things. Her eyes are lustful, her lashes dripping with water, and her breathing labored.

Oh.

Damn.

And then, he can't keep his eyes from wandering. From the way her dripping hair sticks to her face and shoulders, to the swell of her breasts and the angry scar deep in her cleavage that is still healing. He can't look away, knows he's staring and that she has to notice by now. She should be angry with him, slap him, admonish him for ogling her, but she does none of that.

Kate's hand covers his on her leg, stopping the progress up her thigh he hadn't even noticed he was making. She's still making no effort to cover herself, and he really wishes she would. Because he can't stop. Can't stop his hands from rubbing, wanting to touch her, and…everything. He wants everything—with her—but the small part of his brain still functioning knows that _everything_ will have to wait while she continued to heal from her shooting.

"You're soaking wet, Castle."

He opens his mouth, has some smart remark on his tongue, but chokes on the words. Because so is she. Soaking wet.

"I feel like a wet dog," he says with a forced smile in an attempt to lighten the mood and cut through some of the tension.

"Just so long as you don't start barking like one. You're already adorable," she says with a laugh.

"Don't tempt me."

She laughs again, reaching out her hand to run through the wet hair that is falling over his eyes, brushing it out of the way. And with the simple touch, the tension he'd been trying to dispel with a bit of humor comes back full force. His body leans in toward hers, and he knows he shouldn't considering their current situation. She's naked and soaking wet and he's enjoying it way too much given that he can't do anything about it.

But despite all the reasons he _shouldn't_, he crowds into her space and breathes deep as his lips find hers. Her hand slides to the nape of his neck, urging him forward as she accepts his kiss, and it's a desperate moment when he forgets the reasons why they were avoiding getting into situations exactly like this.

Kate's hands slow his desperation, blazing their own path down the front of his shirt as if she's trying to memorize the feel of him. Her palms spread wide against either side of his abdomen, and his hips thrust forward involuntarily.

She gasps. And the spell is broken.

"Kate? Are you okay?" His breathing is heavy, but he notices that she doesn't push him away. If anything, she's holding him from moving away himself.

"Yeah, yeah," she breathes. "But Castle, we're on the floor of the shower."

He nods, not knowing what else to say. Because she's right, not only about the shower, but about everything she _isn't_ saying as well. Now is not the time.

"It's not that I don't want to," she says, not shying away from him but once again brushing the hair out of his eyes. "God, I want to."

"I'm sorry." He finally finds his voice, has plenty of responses that are more eloquent than the ones that actually come out of his mouth.

"Don't you dare be sorry, Castle."

He casts his eyes downward, tries to control his body's reaction to her nearness and state of undress. And no, he isn't sorry. At least, not that it happened. He's sorry more for the timing.

"Hey, the cramp has passed," she says when he's been silent for too long. He looks up to her and finds a smile on her face. "My clothes are in the bedroom. You need a minute?"

Kate's eyes dart down to his boxers, noting his aroused state, and Castle simply nods. He stands and holds out his hands for her as he helps her stand. She lunges forward, her naked front coming in contact with _all of him,_ and his hands take her by the waist to help her gain her balance. She drops a kiss to his chest and leaves without another word while he looks away, the image of her naked body already burned in his brain. He hears the shower doors slide open and close again, and he takes two deep breaths when he hears her wet feet slap against the tile floor as she crosses into the bedroom.

He leans his head against the tile wall as his mind rewinds the whole scene, Kate's wet and naked body taking center stage. And then he reaches forward and turns the knob all the way to the right, all heat being washed away by the cold water.

0o0o0o0o0o0o

When he exits the bathroom ten minutes later, he half expects Kate to be asleep. Wasn't that the point all along, for her to take a nap and let her body recover? But she's in the middle of the bed, turned on her side and watching him when he comes out wearing nothing but a towel. Her eyes are drooping, and she looks like another five minutes would have been enough for sleep to claim her.

He wants to admonish her, tell her she shouldn't have waited for him, but then she quirks a smile in his direction and the words die in his throat as he picks up his forgotten sweats.

"You didn't have to wait for me," he tells her as he retreats to the closet to dress.

"I know," she calls sleepily. "But part of the appeal of a nap was having you here."

"Listen to you," he says as he exits the closet and climbs onto the bed facing her, "admitting that you want to snuggle with me. I was starting to wonder if this day would ever come."

"I guess getting shot made me realize I was just kidding myself." She reaches out, lays her hand on his chest, fingers dancing over his shirt as she inches in closer to him. "I love these white t-shirts on you."

He closes the distance between them and gives her a quick kiss before resting his forehead against hers. His hand runs up and down her bicep as he breathes her in and counts his blessings that this beautiful woman loves him.

"I really am sorry for earlier," he tells her, his finger covering her lips when she tries to object. "I know damn well we can't do…that…yet. I just got caught up in—"

"Hey, you weren't the only one, Castle," she tells him, a little breathily. "Seeing you come to my rescue like that, your wet hair falling over your eyes and…damn, Castle, that wet t-shirt. I was right there with you."

"We can do this," he tells her, turning onto his back and pulling her in close. "We've waited three years. Another few weeks shouldn't be a problem."

Kate hums and drops a kiss to his chest, her arm wrapping around his middle. He reaches out and runs his fingers through her hair, running his fingers through it in a way that slows her breathing until he can tell that she's drifted off to sleep.

* * *

><p><em>Reviews are always welcome.<em>

_Twitter: supermandy77_


	6. Chapter 6 Home

_I owe all kinds of thanks to Tree23 and msTGR for the encouragement and helping me get this chapter _just right_. You girls are awesome, especially at flooding my inbox._

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 6: Home<strong>

Kate has known, in the back of her head, this day would come. She just didn't want to think about it. Ever since she became a homicide detective, Roy Montgomery has always been her captain. And now, entering the 12th Precinct for the first time since her shooting, she gets a knot in her chest at the realization that someone else is going to be in his office when she enters.

"Are you sure you don't want me to come with you?" Castle asks as they stand just outside the building.

"No…I mean, I _want_ you to come with me, but I know you shouldn't."

She called Esposito last night, told him she was coming in for a meeting with their new captain, and asked him to tell her what to expect. She expected most of it, even expected Captain Victoria Gates to be curious about Kate's unorthodox partnership with Richard Castle. But Esposito made it sound like Gates was bound and determined to get Castle out of her precinct, so as much as she hated it, Kate was going this one alone.

Castle simply nods, though he looks like a lost little boy. But she takes his hand and gives it a quick squeeze, promising to give him a call once she's finished with her meeting with Gates. She walks up the steps, only looking back when she reaches the doors. He's still standing there, watching her, giving her one last encouraging look since he can't reassure her the way she knows he wants to.

She thankfully rides up the elevator alone, happy for the chance to gather her thoughts. For the first time, going back to work feels like a reality instead of some far off event that may or may not happen. When the doors open to the 12th Precinct Homicide Division, her eyes immediately seek out Ryan and Esposito. But they're not at their desks, and she thinks that might actually be better. Perhaps she can make it in and out of there without people making too much of a fuss over her return.

Her hand is raised to knock on the door when the woman's voice pre-empts her announcement.

"Detective Beckett, please come in."

Kate doesn't say anything at first, simply enters the office and takes in all the subtle differences. Gone is Captain Montgomery's shrine to his family. The furniture has been rearranged as well, creating an atmosphere that closes Gates off from the rest of the precinct.

The Captain stands from her desk, removing her glasses as she moves toward Kate and shakes her hand. "Nice to see you, Sir."

This isn't the first time she's met Gates, but it's the first time they've had a one-on-one conversation. The last time was when Kate, Castle, and the boys handed off her mother's case to the FBI and Jordan Shaw. Gates had been present, but she hadn't said much or asked any questions. Kate figured that Gates was still just getting up to speed and only knew what she had read in the official police reports.

"Likewise, Detective. Please, have a seat," Gates answered, motioning for Kate to have a seat.

She sits and crosses her legs, settling herself for what she suspects will be a fairly involved conversation. She doesn't say anything, instead waiting for Gates to dictate the direction this will take. In handing over her mother's—and her—case to the feds, Gates already knows more about her life than she would like.

"How is your recovery progressing?"

Not the first question she was expecting, but Kate decides it's a pleasant surprise. It's the first time she's seen a hint of emotion from Gates.

"I've been going to physical therapy for the last three weeks. I'm still not one hundred percent, though."

"And if you had to put a number on it?"

"Probably…eighty percent."

Gates nods her head but offers no other comment. Kate isn't used to the way this woman seems to be reading her body language, gleaning information from her without her permission. And while she will concede the fact that her shooting has changed her, she isn't ready to roll over and play the submissive either.

"I have a doctor's release," she tells Gates as she reaches into her purse and pulls out a pile of papers she obtained after her last doctor's appointment two days ago. She hands them to Gates, and watches quietly while the other woman reads over them.

"So, according to this, you've been released to desk duty and half days for the next three weeks while you complete your physical therapy."

"Yes, Sir." Her voice is clipped, because honestly, she's not thrilled about it. Desk duty sucks. And half days only makes it worse.

"I must say, Detective, I'm eager to see you in action. You have quite the reputation in the NYPD."

"Thank you, Sir."

Silence falls between them, Kate a little surprised at how well the conversation is going. She watches Gates place her glasses on her nose and reach into her desk drawer and pull out a thin file folder that Kate notices has her name on it.

"Dr. Burke has sent over the results of your psych evaluation."

Kate's heart drops. The results of the department-mandated evaluation are perhaps her biggest road block to returning to active duty. She can't find the words to ask what he put in the narrative; she knows to a certain extent what is in there, though.

"His suggestion is that you return to active duty once you are given medical clearance," Gates says, her glasses now in her hand as she levels her eyes to Kate's. "But, he wants you to continue treatment for at least the next three months."

The news is better than she expected. Part of her thought—expected—that she would have to wait longer to be cleared. She had three sessions with Dr. Burke. Three long, excruciating, and mentally tiring sessions that left her raw for hours.

But she understands why this is a good idea, so she doesn't argue but instead just nods her agreement. The idea of returning, getting back in the saddle so to speak, seems wonderful right now, but she doesn't know how she will react the first time she has to draw her gun or is even in a somewhat dangerous situation.

Gates regards her curiously, leaning back in her chair and holding her glasses in her hands. "I must say, Detective, I expected you to put up more of a fight. When I said you had a reputation, I didn't just mean that you were—are—a good detective. Your bull-headedness is the stuff of legend."

"I don't doubt it is, especially up in Internal Affairs…Sir," Kate snaps, her voice betraying her calm demeanor until this point. "I assure you," she says with a deep breath, "I'm still quite stubborn. I'm sure Castle would be more than happy to tell you just how much." She mumbles the last part to herself, remembering all the times she has annoyed him during her recovery.

Gates sits up immediately at the mention of Castle, and Kate immediately wishes she hadn't said anything and let the subject of Castle's presence come up on its own. The boys told her, over a month ago, that Gates was asking questions about their team and how Castle fit in with them. Ryan and Esposito were adamant that they said only good things about the writer, and they relayed that Gates had listened and not offered any clues as to how she felt about his presence at the precinct.

"Ah, yes. Mr. Castle." Gates sits forward again in her chair and regards Kate. "I'm going to be blunt. I'm not convinced that Mr. Castle's presence in this precinct isn't more of a detriment than a help to your team."

"Sir—" Kate starts, immediately ready to defend Castle's work over the past three years, but Gates holds up her hand, silencing her.

"You'll get your say, Detective. But I get mine first." She pulls out another folder, this one thicker, and retrieves a piece of paper. "You and your team have gotten into more scrapes in the past three years since he's been with you than you did the three years prior. Care to put that in perspective for me?"

Kate takes a moment, slightly thrown back that she's been put in the unexpected position of defending Castle's presence at the precinct. She needs to be careful and choose her words wisely. The situation reminds her of testifying in court—give the facts only, and don't offer up any information that isn't specifically requested.

"Castle thinks outside the box, Sir. And while it's unorthodox and our investigations perhaps take a different route with him around, the fact remains that we've had the highest homicide close rate in the city for over a year. I don't think that's a coincidence."

"You've been staying with him during your recovery."

Kate can see that her mention of Castle has given Gates an opening, and perhaps a chance for more questions to be asked than she's ready to answer at this point. "I have."

"That's…"

"Captain, if there's a question you want to ask, just ask it."

"What exactly is your relationship with Mr. Castle?"

For a brief moment, Kate considers telling her the truth. That is, until she realizes the reason Gates is asking her these questions is to find an excuse to oust Castle from the precinct. And she's not going to let that happen. Gates has yet to see how well they work together. All she has is reports—words on a piece of paper that don't do their partnership justice.

"He's my partner," she says flatly.

Kate watches Gates, sees the way the older woman looks for some kind of crack that she can exploit and work to her advantage. But it doesn't work, because Beckett has told her the absolute truth. She just phrased it in such a way that Gates can't argue with her.

"Is there anything else?" She stands, waiting for the captain to speak up and assert her authority. But she doesn't. Gates simply waves her off, glasses in her hand as she looks annoyed at not getting the information she wanted.

"I'll see you Monday morning, Beckett. Half days. Desk duty."

She wants to walk out of there as soon as possible. She wants to call Castle and have him pick her up and take her back to the loft, but she finds herself turning at the door to the Captain's office and making one attempt at having a decent working relationship with her boss.

"Captain?" Kate waits for the woman to look up, and then continues. "I know you want to come in here and take charge, run this place like you feel it should be run. And I don't want this to come off like I'm telling you how to do your job, because I really have no right. But those numbers you see on the paper," she says, pointing to the desk, "they don't tell the whole story. That's something I learned from Castle. There's always a story. All I ask is that you wait to pass judgment on us as a team until you get the whole story."

She turns immediately, not waiting to see the woman's reaction. Her cell phone is out before she can reach the elevator, sending Castle a text to meet her outside the precinct in five minutes.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Castle comes around the corner as she exits the building, a bag from the independent bookstore around the corner in his hand and curiosity in his eyes. He watches her closely, just like he tends to do when she gets quiet. She knows he can sense something is bothering her, but he has yet to break the silence and ask. In the past, she's always relied on him not being able to hold back, his curiosity overwhelming her desire for privacy.

They walk to Remy's for lunch, eating in relative silence. She keeps waiting for him to ask about her meeting with Gates. He doesn't, but she can see that he wants to. When they leave the restaurant and hail a cab, she crowds in close to him, taking his hand and dropping her head to his shoulder.

"Gates doesn't want you in the precinct."

Her words are quiet and matter-of-fact. Castle squeezes her hand and she hears his breath hitch slightly. If she has to guess, he's a little surprised that she has voluntarily shared this information with him.

"She doesn't even know me."

"No," she says, lifting her head from his shoulder to look at him, "but she knows you're not a cop, and she has _reports _that tell her that our arrests have been more…eventful in the last three years."

He doesn't respond immediately, and it occurs to her just how much this man has grown since they first met. Instead he waits her out, holding her close and being supportive. For so long, this was what she wasn't sure she could get from him. But he has proven to her over and over again that she can be vulnerable around him, show him what the rest of the world doesn't see, and he won't think any less of her for it. In fact, it only makes her more extraordinary in his eyes.

"Is she kicking me out?" His voice doesn't hold the usual exuberance, but instead sounds fearful of the possibility of not being able to work with her anymore.

"Not if I can help it," she says with a wicked smile she makes sure he sees.

"Why, Beckett, were you defending me to your new boss?"

"You're right, Castle. She doesn't know you. I don't think it's fair for her to make a decision on whether or not you're a distraction to the team before she actually gets to see the full team work together."

His arm goes around her shoulder, attempting to draw her in closer as the cab pulls up to his building. "Thank you," he whispers as he drops a kiss to her hair before opening the door to the cab.

"For what?"

"For fighting for us."

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Later that night, Kate brings a load of laundry into the bedroom from the laundry room, throwing the clothes onto the bed before she goes to the closet and digs out her duffel bag. Castle is sitting on the bed with his back against the head board, flipping through a medical book and taking notes.

"Why do you need that?" he asks when she puts the bag on the bed and starts folding clothes.

Kate meets his eyes and sees his confusion as he puts his notebook aside and gives her his full attention. She knew, in the back of her mind, that this conversation had been coming. What she didn't expect, though, was how difficult it would be.

"I think it's time I go back to my apartment, Castle."

"Do you need more clothes? We can go back—"

"No, Castle. I don't mean just going by to pick up more stuff. I mean…the whole reason I've been staying her is so I could recover from my shooting. I go back to work on Monday. It's desk duty, but I think it's safe to say that I've recovered enough that I can take care of myself now."

She watches his reaction when he doesn't object immediately and suspects he might be putting together his argument. But he doesn't say anything, just continues to stare her down like doing so will make her change her mind.

"Castle," she finally says, hoping he will at least tell her what's on his mind.

"I don't want you to go."

Oh. Well. She wasn't exactly expecting _that_.

"Castle."

"Things have changed. _We've_ changed. I'd like to think for the better."

"Of course they've changed for the better, Castle. Why would you think I didn't think so?"

"I don't know," he says, sitting up a little straighter. "Maybe because you're packing up like it's no big deal."

Kate opens her mouth but doesn't know what to say. She tosses the shirt in her hands onto the pile of clothes on the bed, taking a deep breath as she walks to the other end of the bed and climbs up to sit in front of him.

"What are you saying, Castle? Just come out and say it."

"Just like I said. I don't want you to leave." He takes a breath, leans forward, and looks down as his hand reaches out for hers. "Stay. Move in here. Permanently."

"Do you really think that's the smartest idea? We've only been together for two months. We haven't even—"

"Does that matter?"

"No, of course not. But do we want to give Gates more ammunition? I won't be able to hide changing my address from her."

"You don't have to tell Gates, just HR."

"She could still find out we're living together."

"Sure she could, but do you really think that—without any reason—she's just going to start cross-checking everyone's personal information until she finds people with matching addresses? I would hope she has more important things to do than spying on her detectives to make sure they aren't shacking up together."

Kate nods, understanding that he has a point. But, she's still not convinced this is a good idea. Part of her wants it more than anything. She's had a glimpse of what living with him would be like the last couple months, and aside from the fact that she spent at least the first month of it hopped up on pain killers, it's been enjoyable.

The other part of her, though, knows that they need this distance.

"Castle, I don't want you to take this the wrong way. I'm not rejecting you. I'm not rejecting _us._ But these last couple months, we've been living in a bubble. And it's been great."

"But?" He jumps in, the word falling from his lips with what sounds like an expectation of rejection.

"But…we need this distance. Let's not rush this, Castle. We have plenty of time to live together; I'm not going anywhere."

Castle looks away at her words, his hands running over his face and through his hair. And then he turns away from her, his legs swinging off the bed as he stands and walks into the closet, where her clothes are mingled with his, mumbling, "You're going home," as he goes.

Kate waits for him, but starts to get worried when he doesn't come back immediately. She follows his path, her steps slow and cautious. "Castle?"

"How can you say that? How can you be sure?" He turns to face her, the words straining out of his mouth, and she sees the tears that are threatening to fall down his cheeks.

"Rick…"

"No, Kate. Don't promise me that we have plenty of time. Because…" He stops, taking a deep breath and running his hand through his hair again. "Because I almost lost you. And I won't let that happen again."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean—"

"Did you know," he says, cutting her off, "that when you first started staying here, that I used to come down every night from the guest room and check to make sure you were still breathing? Some nights, I even slept on the couch in the office, just so I could be close if you needed me."

"No, I didn't know that," she whispers, her eyes tearing up in response to his admission.

Kate stands there, watching his emotional outpouring and wondering how they got to this point. She reaches out to him, her arm running up his forearm to his elbow as she cautiously moves closer in an effort to comfort him.

"I can't lose you. My biggest fear is that you're going to walk out that door and never come home, Kate."


End file.
